My Journey as a Young Adult: A First-Person Narrative of Overcoming Obstacles.
My childhood was different from most. I grew up with a single mom who was an alcoholic and verbally abusive, as well as very neglectful. I was often in the role of her parent. I remember seeing her with different men and then having to put her to bed after she passed out and urinated on herself. I would lie beside her, listening to her snoring, and if she paused for too long, I panicked, thinking she was dead. When I was eight, my little sister was born, and things only got worse from there. I had to take care of her like a mother too. My grandmother would take me to therapy, but no one really understood what was happening. I was always told, "Don’t tell anyone." I would go to school and act like nothing was wrong, only to return home to a drunken mother and a little sister left alone with her. My therapist eventually reported the situation at home. I started experiencing panic attacks and would lie in bed shaking, having out-of-body experiences.
I eventually went to live with my grandparents, but I always wanted my mom and couldn’t understand why she didn’t want me. I started self-harming and stealing narcotics from my grandma to numb the pain. When I transferred to a new school to live with my grandparents, it was a higher-income school and I felt like the odd one out. I was in and out of mental institutions over 21 times, and they knew me by name. Throughout that time, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD), attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), dissociative disorder, panic disorder, and the list goes on. I even had a nickname: "Sunshine." I ended up in an "alternative school"; some kids were there because they got kicked out, but I was there because I was at risk of not graduating and couldn’t handle the normal school setting. All the kids around me were getting drunk and doing drugs. I was put on Adderall for ADHD, and finally, I was able to focus; it kept me skinny and also motivated me. I was no longer depressed and could mask it.
Throughout all this time, I always felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I lived with an empty hole in my heart. I always felt rejected and like nobody wanted me. I share all this because my childhood experiences carried over into who I became as a young adult. I met some friends who were trying to help me find Adderall and introduced me to what they said was ice, but it was meth. I had never seen drugs before, so I decided to try it. Finally, I felt like being alone was okay. The addiction lasted for 5 years. I ended up in extremely abusive relationships, homeless, and in extremely risky situations. I met someone and married them; we got pregnant, and on the day of my 25th birthday, I had a miscarriage and almost died.
The abuse in my marriage worsened, and I found out I was pregnant again, but that didn’t stop me from using substances. I ended up having an emergency C-section at 24 weeks. My daughter was born weighing 1.5 pounds. Due to my substance use, they had to report it to a social worker, and she was in the NICU for four months. Something in me finally realized that I had to change because I never wanted my daughter to experience the hurt that I had. I ended up losing custody and was allowed to work a case plan to earn her back. The abuse in my marriage worsened again, and I knew I had to report it because I didn’t want my daughter to think that the life I was living and the way I was being treated was okay. I reported my ex-husband, and he was sentenced to 15 years in prison. The hardest part was breaking the codependency, finding my value, and accepting that it wasn’t my fault. I went to a fifteen-month faith-based rehab and successfully completed it. I regained custody of my daughter and strive every day to build a foundation and provide the love I never had.
I’ve had many mental relapses throughout this time, but the pain and desperation of wanting to die and feeling hopeless are something I never want to experience again. It’s also my motivation to stay on the path that I’m currently on and never to give up. The things that help me the most are my spiritual foundation and having a strong support group of people who love me and hold me accountable when I am falling short. I can now find purpose in my pain and use it to help others. I wouldn’t change who I am and the person I’ve become because now I have the opportunity to provide a light to others who don’t feel that there is one.
Written by Anna Graham
